Hey all. This week in the land of sober… things felt a little bit harder than usual. Just a little. Mondays are always a bitch trying to sleep. I’ve worked on exploring the BIG “why” and I’ve narrowed it down to my over thinking fucking brain. So I attempted to “count sheep or stars or cows” or whatever. I tried sleep meditation and that was the most helpful tool until it wasn’t. The second that my body felt relaxed enough for me to doze off, I began having tremors. The scary side of sobriety and how the body responds is one that I never anticipated. I looked at the clock far too many times and begged for the relief of sleep. As midnight approached I began to panic. A three am alarm clock is now only hours from demanding me to wake and face another day. The shitty part of this sleep pattern is that when I don’t wake up and work out in the morning, it throws off my entire routine. I ended up sleeping. It was by no means rem. I could still hear my thoughts and I was still planning out my day somewhere in there. And sure as shit before I know it, my alarm clock was screaming at me.
Did I work out? Absolutely not. The sleepless night left my eyes and body so heavy I wasn’t even sure how I’d make it through the day. did I make I through the day? Absolutely. Matter of fact I made it through Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday as well. I worked out each day, which is critical for my mental health and sobriety. And for the most part it was a good week. And I say for the most part because what life doesn’t have a few chaotic moments sprinkled in?
Lee is a good friend of mine at work. When we met we immediately hit it off. He’s funny. He’s laid back, he’s nonchalant. I happen to attract many people. On the inside I feel like a dying frog, but what I present myself as is far from it. I’m bubbly, I’m funny, I’m chatty, and I tend to naturally connect to people. How can two things exist together? I don’t fucking know… but they do. At the end of last week Lee was over my shit. He felt like I was distracting all of the employees and his work space. And you know what? Valid. I felt distracted and like my own space was being consumed. I wasn’t offended. I laid low. I stayed away from that area at work to avoid the human interactions that required me to be the version of myself that people seemed to really enjoy, and I found other ways to occupy the time between my work loads. This meant also avoiding Lee. I found myself conflicted when Lee seemed to be very hurt or upset with me. He set a boundary, and I respected it. As the week progressed and moving into this week he seemed to get more hurt by the day. He started avoiding eye contact, and simple “hellos” and I found my own feelings equally as hurt. Monday I cried in my car feeling extremely disliked. I reflected on how I’m an individual who tends to operate in extremes and wondered if I took Lees request a little too personal and overreacted like I tend to do. I also felt like it was a little too late to confront him, and visioned what the rejection might look like in the event that addressed the elephant in the room. By Tuesday I was wrecked. I missed him. I missed the small talks, the jokes, the deeper conversations. I also felt so awkward and uncomfortable navigating through my days in ways that avoided him or anyone else. I also happened to realize half way through the day that I was walking around with a giant hole in my pants that left half my fucking ass cheek hanging out. I wonder if Lee saw and chose not to tell me because he was angry with me. That would have been rude. I ended up leaving work to change my pants. My husband sent all the SpongeBob memes that depicted SpongeBob with a hole in his pants, and we got a good laugh out of it. The escape from work for a brief moment was nice though and the husband made me a bagel and it was a nice reminder to nourish my body. By Thursday I finally said “fuck it” and chose to not be petty. I got to work and gave Lee a simple wave and said hi. It was the ice breaker I think the both of us were hoping for. His face lit up, and he immediately apologized to me. I also apologized to him for being a distraction and likely over reacting. It felt so good to carry on with work without the weight of feeling hated and having to navigate my job around avoidance. And yesterday we were back to small talk, joking, and more meaningful conversations. Moral of the story. Don’t be a little bitch. Sometimes it’s not that serious and making it more serious than it is only prolongs unnecessary and unintentional discomfort.
The home front felt less shaky this week compared to weeks prior. I prioritized calm. I prioritized body movement. I prioritized peace. Of course as a family of six, every single day has its moments. This week was one call from a teacher for minor behavioral issues, two texts from another teacher for a different kid regarding focus and staying on track. Being taxi to another. I worked an extra route one night and boy did that shake the system and routine for a minute. Over all, it was another week in the books. Another week of facing everyday normal shit that is manageable. Last night we ate dinner and watched a movie and called it a success.
As I go into my workout this morning I remind myself that I am strong, capable, and worthy. This doesn’t dismiss that life happens. Misunderstands happen. Overtime happens. Routines shake and break. People don’t always see eye to eye. Kids don’t always cooperate. All these would be great excuses to drink, at least for me. Rather than feeling over emotional and overstimulated I sat with the day to day and allowed it to exist exactly how it presented. Each dead lift will be a reminder that we can always put down the weight and rest for a moment, but the weight we lift makes us stronger.
Today I’ll make breakfast. I’ll paint a picture because I’ve been wanting to for a long time. I’ll shampoo my carpets, do laundry, clean my house, make an outstanding dinner for my family, and keep going. You should too. Fill your cup. Do something that makes you happy. And keep working out. Even if working out isn’t in a gym or in a physical sense. Whatever makes you stronger… keep doing it.
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