Today in the life of El, we are working on another day toward sobriety. This journey has been anything but linear. A little back story… I’m literally just a girl. I spent the last 20 years living life as a sudo functioning addict. By sudo, I mean I was able to work, pay my bills, raise a family, and appear mostly okay. The other side of sudo is where I made mistakes that have come with their own set of consequences. Addiction is damaging no matter how functioning it looks from the outside. The next 20 years, I’d like to say “I was mostly sober”. This blog spot will come with a constant and on going trigger warning. I might talk about sexual assault, family dysfunction, and physical abuse and violence. I might also talk about crazy Sunday morning brunches and hikes in the mountains. Some days I’ll talk about love and lust and normal family moments. I’ll definitely dive into the five years that I spent in a functioning state of psychosis and delusions. It’s a wild ride over here. And maybe… just maybe… it’ll make someone else feel a little bit more seen, a little bit understood, and a little bit hopeful. Survival and healing doesn’t have to be a lonely place. When I decided to blog, I was unsure where to start. I wasn’t even sure if I had anything to say. But sometimes starting without a direct path leads you to exactly where you’re meant to be.
Today I woke up late. Mondays always feel like a shit show up in this joint. I half assed my hair and makeup routine. I barely found an outfit that made me feel somewhat put together, grabbed any and all items from my fridge labeled ‘protein’, and jetted out. And in true MONDAY FASHION, I realized that I forgot my debit card while driving on a nearly empty tank of gas. Thank goodness for tap to pay and a universe that showed some grace during chaos. The work days can feel mundane. As a driver I cycle through the same playlist on Apple Music… usually Taylor swift, or I deep dive into true crime podcasts, which often remind me that I’m actually not all that fucked up considering. Today I listened to Strategic Eye on YouTube… go check him out. I’m also extremely invested in the Horsh House of Horrors. When I got home from work I had to do a few videos for school, and then locked in on a work out. Today’s session… 30 minute incline walk with my weighted vest, and a ladder session. The Ladder app makes me feel extremely audacious for ever believing I was ever in shape. I am not. I am shapes, and I am OUT OF SHAPE! but it’s okay. It’s truly okay. We are working on it. One gym session, and one protein shake at a time.
This is the boring, quiet, calm kind of day… with a little bit of normal chaos, that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. This is the mundane that makes sobriety hard. Many people will say that drinking is an escape, but sometimes it’s a “coming to”. Or maybe it’s the inability to recognize what the mind and body need. It’s sleepless nights of feeling nothing to the point that it keeps you up a night and thinking “wow a drink would really help me fucking sleep right now”. But tomorrow we will wake up and we will do it again and again. Until the next stretch is longer than the last.
Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe. Share your insight! If you are on a sobriety journey, what are some tricks and tips that help you?
El
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