What lies beneath

That day in the hall way, the day we first met; he somehow saved me from myself. He doesn’t even know it. It was immediate and it was never the same. I think I stumbled over my words trying to get out a simple “hello” and something about the words “you have a great day” felt like something so much more. I imagined he didn’t mean it to come out like “I love you”, but when you’re a hopeless romantic even the simplest gesture can come out like a profession. I saw none of him and all of him in a flash, and mostly because I was too shy to look him straight in the eye. He was magnificent. I searched for him for days after. I made excuses to go to his workspace. I didn’t actually need tape, but I found a reason to need it. I could have easily gone to the bathroom for the paper towels but I chose to go to his tiny little office for napkins instead. “Obsessed much?” I don’t know. Maybe. “Care much?” Not at all. Gracie Abrams said it best when she said “turn me into something tragic” ooooh and I’d let him. Given the opportunity. But I didn’t keep going back for nothing. It was reciprocated in the tiniest ways that felt monumental and grew over time. “Your hair looks nice today!” Or “I missed seeing you yesterday!” Me! He missed seeing me! He noticed I wasn’t around. Don’t count me out here… I’m well aware that we as humans can often times believe our delusions. I cross examined mine a time or two. I touched grass, and came back down to earth long enough to convince myself that I was indeed delusional as fuck. I checked my worth and reassigned my dignity long enough to know that never would such a stunning, kind, and down to earth man give me the time of day. I rolled my eyes and sighed enough times to understand the weight behind it all. And just when I’d do so…. There he was trying to instill doubt in me. The fucking ass hole. Giving me that side eye and wink when I would walk by his area. Sometimes he’d throw in a cute little dance that would wreck me for seven seconds before I was forced to find my footing and carry on with my day. He knew what he was doing. And I let him every single time. The wreckage felt so good! Too good! It was the shy kind of flirting that said “I want to get to know you but I’m too scared to even ask your name”. His co-workers however, they were not scared. They made jokes out loud, asked my name for him, and got to know me…. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Better believe I used it to my advantage. One day I brought in a small little keurig and set it up in his tiny little break room. It was the smallest gesture with the biggest impact. After that he asked me constantly for coffee breaks in that break room. The tension grew. The sec jokes increased, the movements got closer. Something else happened though. He started to get to know me on a deeper level. He asked the more personal questions. He cheered me on during moments of uncertainty with work and school. He looked beyond the surface. And my feelings turned from lust to something else.